FKLBRLS
12-04-2005, 10:00 PM
Alright since it's Christmas I took it upon myself to write some hilarious Christmas stories. There are 4 in all and I will post them as I please. I emailed them to Rush Limbaugh but he hasn't replied as of yet. Each story is in the form of a fake news article. Here is the first story:
PETA SUES CLAUS
NEW YORK-
PETA is filing a lawsuit against North Pole-based Claus Toys International for $200 million for it’s cruel treatment of what PETA spokesman Alan Lennon calls “Reindeer slaves.” “These reindeer are forced to pull a heavy sleigh filled with countless toys and a morbidly obese elderly man. Many times they aren’t allowed to stop for food or even to rest. That Santa Claus should clean up his act and stop treating animals cruelly” says Lennon.
The suit came after PETA members stayed on top of a New York apartment building last Christmas Eve. PETA claims, “The deer were tired and worn out yet still they had the rest of the night to go.”
Following this incident, PETA sent representatives to the North Pole to investigate the reindeers’ living conditions. What they found shocked them. “The reindeer were kept in stables and were forced to sleep on beds of hay.” says PETA representative Bill Rutz-McBurdock. “Many times the hay wasn’t changed for up to 8 hours, meaning the poor deer were forced to sleep on their own excrement. And the deer were fed disgusting batches of alfalfa, cinnamon, wheat, barley, and hops. How would you like it if you were forced to eat grain your whole life?”
Claus representative Bernard Belkins had this to say, “We treat the reindeer with utmost care and hospitality. Their service is extremely vital for our company. Each reindeer has at least 3 dedicated attendants to clean up after and feed him.”
Pop king and acquitted pervert Michael Jackson had this to say, “Santa is the victim of a vicious conspiracy. Those accusations are disgusting and false. I am allowing him to use my defense attorney.”
Meanwhile, San Francisco-based Imaginary Figure Lawsuit Expert Tom Colbert explains, “That evil toy corporation had better start cleaning up its cruel acts toward animals.”
PETA is suing the entire Claus Toy Company for $200 million. The reindeer have already been taken into custody by PETA and are currently being held in Limestone, Maine. The lawsuit will be held at the New York county courthouse in Manhattan. PETA will be using the prominent lawyer Ghost of Johnny Cochran. Claus will be represented by Michael Jackson’s defense attorney.
Hugh Turner, spokesman for Claus had this to say, “This suit is already hurting our business. We had to stop shipping to Canada, China, and Iran as well as many other places.”
PETA SUES CLAUS
NEW YORK-
PETA is filing a lawsuit against North Pole-based Claus Toys International for $200 million for it’s cruel treatment of what PETA spokesman Alan Lennon calls “Reindeer slaves.” “These reindeer are forced to pull a heavy sleigh filled with countless toys and a morbidly obese elderly man. Many times they aren’t allowed to stop for food or even to rest. That Santa Claus should clean up his act and stop treating animals cruelly” says Lennon.
The suit came after PETA members stayed on top of a New York apartment building last Christmas Eve. PETA claims, “The deer were tired and worn out yet still they had the rest of the night to go.”
Following this incident, PETA sent representatives to the North Pole to investigate the reindeers’ living conditions. What they found shocked them. “The reindeer were kept in stables and were forced to sleep on beds of hay.” says PETA representative Bill Rutz-McBurdock. “Many times the hay wasn’t changed for up to 8 hours, meaning the poor deer were forced to sleep on their own excrement. And the deer were fed disgusting batches of alfalfa, cinnamon, wheat, barley, and hops. How would you like it if you were forced to eat grain your whole life?”
Claus representative Bernard Belkins had this to say, “We treat the reindeer with utmost care and hospitality. Their service is extremely vital for our company. Each reindeer has at least 3 dedicated attendants to clean up after and feed him.”
Pop king and acquitted pervert Michael Jackson had this to say, “Santa is the victim of a vicious conspiracy. Those accusations are disgusting and false. I am allowing him to use my defense attorney.”
Meanwhile, San Francisco-based Imaginary Figure Lawsuit Expert Tom Colbert explains, “That evil toy corporation had better start cleaning up its cruel acts toward animals.”
PETA is suing the entire Claus Toy Company for $200 million. The reindeer have already been taken into custody by PETA and are currently being held in Limestone, Maine. The lawsuit will be held at the New York county courthouse in Manhattan. PETA will be using the prominent lawyer Ghost of Johnny Cochran. Claus will be represented by Michael Jackson’s defense attorney.
Hugh Turner, spokesman for Claus had this to say, “This suit is already hurting our business. We had to stop shipping to Canada, China, and Iran as well as many other places.”